I was reading a short article today about talebearing. You know: talking about other people; spreading rumors; gossiping; tattling, if you’re a child. The article made me think about what character trait would be applied to avoid talebearing. At first I couldn’t think of one. I reached for my handy list of character traits, and started reading.
In a moment, I saw the trait, discretion. “Certainly that has bearing,” I thought. So did equitableness, fairness, friendliness, humility, kindness, love, and a handful of others. Maybe I’ll write about one of the others in a future blog, but for now, I want to share a few thoughts on discretion versus talebearing.
Discretion, in this context, involves knowing when to speak and when to be quiet. Both men and women need to exercise discretion, because both men and women are guilty of talebearing. For some reason, we are more inclined to accuse women of gossiping than men, but I can assure you from personal, secretarial experience that men – even university vice presidents – gossip about other people. Even as women engage in the hateful practice of husband bashing, many men practice wife bashing.
A man in late medieval Great Britain, who apparently was sick and tired of the local gossip, invented a punishment device called a scold’s bridle, or brank. This device had many different appearances, but all consisted of a cage for the head, with a built in gag. The tongue restraint could be as gentle as a flat, iron plate that passively discouraged tongue movement, or as painful as a spike- embellished iron bit that tortured the tongue. The town jailer kept the brank and was in charge of applying it. History details how women, taken to court for disrupting the peace with gossip, would be fitted with a scold’s bridle. They then would return home, but, in the streets, would be subjected to the taunting and jeering of crowds that gathered to gawk. You get the picture more clearly when you read that a brank appearing in 1632 Surrey was inscribed: “Chester presents Walton with a bridle, To curb women’s tongues that talk too idle.” You can see pictures of scold’s bridles at http://www.shanmonster.com/witch/torture/brank.html.
Discretion is a brank – a gentle, loving scold’s bridle. It is not built in. We must work to create it in our lives. But when we do, it forms a soft, comfortable restraint.
Discretion is the quality of being discreet. One who exercises discretion shows good judgment in all conduct, but especially in speech. He or she can distinguish between what ought to be told and what ought not to be told. A man or woman of discretion considers a tale’s effect on all concerned.
“Talebearing,” said the late Charles Spurgeon, “emits a threefold poison; for it injures the teller, the hearer, and the person concerning whom the tale is told.” Discretion is an antidote for the poison of talebearing, the poison of gossiping.
The next time you decide to make your way to the company water cooler, or to take five in the teacher’s lounge or executive washroom, arm yourself first with discretion. Not all that is truth should be told to others. The act of pulling down your colleagues or spouse does not raise you in the eyes of others. Learning and building discretion will prepare you to conquer gossip and talebearing.
That’s the view from my chair. What’s your view?