Character Vs. Get-off-the-hook Apology – those words should be inscribed boldly on every parent’s wall and on the wall of every classroom, whether preschool, elementary, secondary, or tertiary. They should be ingrained in the mind of every adult who works with children of any age, and in the minds of every employer in every profession.
Character Vs. Get-off-the-hook Apology. What do I mean? Every father or mother who pays attention to a child can tell the difference between a sincere apology and a “get-off-the-hook” apology. Any attentive teacher should be able to do the same.
Picture 12-year old Gregory dashing in the door, laughing loudly at little Katie who’s close behind him. Dad stops Gregory with a strong hand and turns to ask Katie why she is crying. “Gregory hit me on purpose with a ball,” sobs Katie. As Dad turns back toward Gregory, the pre-teen stops laughing. “Sorry, Dad,” he says quickly, as he has said so many times before. “I just threw the ball up in the air and it came down where she was standing. I couldn’t help it.” Dad looks back at Katie, and Gregory twists away. Grinning at his little sister, he sprints up the stairs toward his bedroom.
Gregory is adept at get-off-the-hook apologies. To him, moral standards are arbitrary, not absolute. It’s only wrong if it seems wrong to him. He sorts out what’s right and wrong for himself as he was taught in school – and in his mind, nothing is wrong with throwing a ball at Katie as long as he doesn’t get punished for it. Nothing is wrong with lying to Dad and pretending to be sorry as long as Dad does nothing about it. The only thing wrong is a thing that results in being caught and punished. And as long as Gregory manages to get off the hook with a quick, insincere apology – as long as he avoids getting caught and punished, anything goes. Four or five years hence, when Gregory gets a driver’s license, he will see nothing wrong with speeding as long as there are no police around. If an officer does stop him, he will use a get-off-the-hook apology, blaming it on someone or something else.
Character does not deal in get-off-the-hook apologies. People of character know and embrace the fact that moral standards are absolute. There is safety in that fact. Things that are wrong for one are wrong for all. Things that are right today are right tomorrow. Moral standards do not change from person to person or from day to day. They are fixed in stone, and people of character are glad, because they always know when they have done right.
People of character know, too, when they have done wrong, and they are not content to have offended the moral standard. It doesn’t matter whether or not they were caught. It doesn’t matter whether or not they will be punished. They know in their hearts that they fell short of moral excellence, and they are not satisfied with themselves. If there is someone to whom an apology is owed, they offer a sincere apology that comes from the heart. Then they take steps to be sure they do not repeat the wrong they did. They not only say, “I’m sorry” to the offended one, but purpose never to do that thing again.
Character will never offer a get-off-the-hook apology.
That’s the view from my chair. What’s your view?