Thinking yesterday about Japan and Valentine’s Day, I remembered the matchmaking that was common when we lived in Japan. I thought about a twenty-six-year old girl in one of our English classes – whose parents used a matchmaker to find Chieko a husband.
Each side supplied the “go-between” with full medical, ancestral, and financial data. They provided societal status, and a photograph in very formal, serious pose. Chieko was very attractive. The potential grooms were not. Physical beauty was unimportant to the parents, however, and in rural Japan, Chieko’s feelings did not matter. She was not even shown the photographs.
Chieko’s first “date” brought her and the selected young man to a table – separated by the “go-between” and both sets of parents. He was allowed to look at her, but she was not permitted to raise her eyes. The second “date” began the same way, and ended with the couple taking a brief walk side by side – with parents and “go-between” walking behind them. A few more dates afforded slightly lengthened time to walk and talk, but the format never varied. They were barely acquainted when the parents set the wedding day. They married, and departed for the honeymoon he had arranged – a week of lake fishing. Chieko spent the entire week crying into the lake while her groom fished happily.
“I hate him! I hate him!” Chieko confided to me a week after their honeymoon, but she stayed married to him, and she learned to love him.
Japan’s matchmaking tradition has a new twist these days. Whereas the “go-between” chosen by Chieko’s parents was a personal friend or relative, modern matchmaking services are often impersonal commercial companies. Some offer membership to singles too busy to date. Some cater to businesses, including every employee in the membership package. Others help parents take a computerized, but more traditional part in selecting the proper mate for a son or daughter. They provide experiences similar to Chieko’s, but the personal friend or relative is absent from the process.
Unfortunately, something else seems to be absent. There seems to be little effort to learn about the character of the people involved – a failing of many dating efforts in 2006.
Think of your own dating, if you are single, or of the dating of young people you know. Think of computer dating services you see advertised. How often is a list of character traits included in the “must” section of questionnaires and profiles? Some people list “must love children” or “must love dogs” in their online profiles. Others use dating services that ask mostly about romantic passion and style of communication. Many scan photos looking for the most attractive faces. Few give more than a passing thought to the character of the men or women presented.
Matchmaking character is a tough task, true, but a critical one. A lack of character can destroy a relationship or marriage. A lack of character can lead to physical abuse. A lack of character can cause untold stress. Many of us know this, but somehow, when it comes to seeking a date or a mate, character is seldom considered. It’s a dangerous omission.
That’s the view from my chair. What’s your view?